fuck. i'm on here again. whatever. i don't give a shit anymore if i give a happy persona to everyone. whoopdi do, i'm depressed. back to square fucking one. i  never thought more about drugs and alcohol before than i have now. i'm SO tired of being accounted as "weird" by own family because i hate drinking. but now, i think...well if i'm so weird then maybe i should hammer the bottle and drown all my fucking problems like 90% of my family does. maybe it would cure some of the depression, maybe it would make all the problems go away. it seems to them it's the miracle cure. like fucking jesus christ or something. i feel like my heart is ripping and chewed on. i wish what i just bitched about was my only problem. i wish it was. between my grandpap dying, my aunt almost dying, my dog dying, going to be moving, depression, anxiety arising, my dad acting like a fucking retard because he thinks he can drown his worries in his alcohols, my brother for being a fucking know it all, and some WONDERFUL fucking friends(sarcasm), etc. but of course i can't let people know i'm sad. i'll be a mopey whiny emo kid. i get fucking trolled on facebook by my family if i don't have happy slappy posts 24/7. trust me, i hate whiny people...but i feel so overwhelmed...so stressed by everything and even my own boyfriend...the ONLY person i can trust is being a selfish dick, so i've never felt more alone than i do now. i drown myself in books, i only have intellectual conversations with my dog now...i was doing so good...what the fuck happened? why can't i be a fucking normal person, why i can't i just stay happy? whatever. i'm sure all of you who are reading this REALLY give a shit too. who am i kidding. this is just me bitching to feel better and then going about my day with these nightmares, my lack of sleep, and my anxiety feeling like it's crushing my chest.

have a FABULOUS day everyone.
lololol fuck you.